I've been called many fat names in my life: Tubby. Butterball. Shamu. My brother once called me Jabba the Hutt, implying specifically that I am fat, lazy, lethargic, and...well...you get the picture. I've developed thick skin when it comes to being referred to as fat.
I've been overweight my whole life, except for a brief year when I was 27 and was dieting and working out four times a week at the JCC in San Francisco. I had a work-out buddy then and it made all the difference. Work out buddies are essential, at least for me, because I AM fat, lazy, lethargic, and much more like Jabba the Hutt than Shamu! I wish I could one day get to the point where I WANT to go to the gym on my own...or I WANT to go for a walk....but sadly, what I WANT to do is sit on my tush and catch up on the TV shows I've recorded, and I WANT to sit there and stuff my face at the same time while doing it!!!! In the past I have hired personal trainers, because when I am paying real money and have an appointment, I am much more likely to go to the gym.
The weird thing is that I don't really comprehend exactly how much weight I have on my frame. My perception is skewed about myself. If I see a terrible picture of myself, I just blame it on bad angles and how the picture was shot! That's not really ME. I am not THAT big. I still think I weigh a lot less, I still think I look pretty good, and I still think I'm the same as I was a few years ago.
My best girlfriend casually told me a year ago, "You tie your shoes like a fat person now," but it went in one ear and out the other. Another friend even took me aside and told me that my weight was getting out of control and she was concerned for my health. I was kinda pissed off at her, but she did it in such a loving way that it was less painful to hear than when my mom or grandmother would tell me to lose some weight. And even my boyfriend at the time told me I wasn't attractive sexually anymore, and we stopped having sex. But still, all those messages went in one ear and out the other. I had been hearing how fat I was my whole life, and I was immune to listening.
My Dad jolted me into reality! He asked, "Can you still tie your shoes?"
I was like, "Yes, but I don't bend down to do it anymore!" I lift my leg up and cross it over my other leg, and THEN I can reach my shoes to tie them. Right now there is too much belly in the way to bend down and it is really uncomfortable.
Even a simple thing like dropping something on the floor that I have to bend down and pick up in front of others can set off a mini-panic attack. And the airplane is another factor that needs negotiating now. I've had to ask for a seat belt extender. HOW EMBARASSING! And the flight attendants whisper and secretly hand it to you all covertly and stuff. I'm over that now. I just flat out ask for one. No need to whisper. It is what it is. And it's still embarassing. So I talked about all this stuff with my Dad and he said:
"There's your reality!"
I have been so resistant to change. I have been so resistant to believing that my weight was out of control, my eating was out of control, my finances were out of control, and my relationships with men have become non-existent. Guys don't even look me in the eye anymore when we pass on the street.
Since February I tried counting calories. Most of the time. Some of the time. I did manage to lose 10 pounds since my 50th birthday. But it's tenuous at best. The binging still occurred. The guys still didn't look at me. My clothes were not getting any looser. It wasn't really working for me. I was still completely out of control with my eating and sugar addiction.
When I met my coach, Danny Bobrow, we discussed his charity called SMILE TREE and we talked about how MolarTron might be of service. So when I checked out his website I saw the words LEAD BY EXAMPLE on there, and it struck a nerve. Lead by example. And it got me wondering how I was going to be taken seriously as a health expert if my own health was so out of control?? This was my defining moment. LEAD BY EXAMPLE. These three words turned on the light switch and set me into motion. How can I stand up in front of a room full of children and tell them how to be healthy when I am not practicing what I preach? If health coaching is going to be my new path in life, then I damned well better LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
I am counting on the TAKE SHAPE FOR LIFE journey to help me learn to LOVE the feeling of being skinny, and I will LOVE the feeling of moving my body without having to pay someone to "make" me move, and I will LOVE the feeling of being healthy. These are my goals.
Thank G-d I am a FIREWALKER and walked across hot burning coals at Tony Robbins UNLEASH THE POWER WITHIN seminar. I did THAT so I know I can do THIS. I know because I see myself already on the other side, celebrating and feeling great and living longer and being happy and BEING HEALTHY (and shopping for new clothes and meeting a new man)!
In the immortal words of Spock, we should all "Live long and Prosper!"
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